Thursday, October 08, 2009


You know how I mentioned before that I will be taking a degree in psychology? Well, that was some time back, and I have yet to take it. Everytime I think I am ready to enroll, something comes up to throw me off. And I have to be honest, I am scared.
There are a lot of things that I am willing to try, eat, do at considerable risk.
But ask me to study, and I start to freak out. I am really afraid. Afraid that I will fail. Afraid that I will lose interest when it gets tough. Afraid that I will drop out. Afraid of failure and that it won't work out. You see, I have never really been good at studying, and exams. The moment the exams come around, I panic and everything just leaves my brain when I need it the most. And my past results from Kindergarten, to Primary, then Secondary school, and lastly Poly, have all been average or below average. Studies and me never seem to work out.
But the thing I am most afraid of, is losing the freedom that I have now. Without the studies, and just working, I have been able to get to a healthy lifestyle, and I have also been able to travel, a lot. Once I start on my degree, I will have to undertake a mugging lifestyle. Someone told me that all the 'freedom' can be gained back, once I finish studying. That I would need to make sacrifices to achieve that degree. But what a sacrifice. And I am really afraid of it.
If I work and study, then juggling both would be tiring. But I will still have income. If I quit my job and go into full time studies, I will be able to concentrate on school better, but I will be back to being next to broke in no time.
So many things to consider. So many options. So much that life has to offer, and so much that can happen from now till the next enrollment date, which is at year end, that could even throw up another unforseeable option.
Right now, I feel like I am in 'no mans land'. That I need to take my life in another direction, and soon. So much to think about and consider. The choices we take in life shows us what we are made of. What am I made of?